Act Daft

So finally it was the big one, 21, The last big birthday before the zeros and we all know its downhill from here, just take a look at Leanne and Robert . Planning for my birthday began way back in Febuary, holding Wendy to her word we booked a limo, perfect so far so good, electric blue, carries 8 people, just what we looking for, however 2 weeks later going to pay the deposit we found out that some clumsy fucker had blew himself off the roof and killed himself in a accident and the company was now closing down, the inconsiderate bastards. So the hunt was on for a new limo, after spending hours and on the brink of being late for work, we deicded that the next one we phoned would be the one no matter what the price, it just so happened that the next one was a 16 seater hummer costing £440 with all the extras...BOOK IT!...I'd worry about telling my mother later, after all she was paying.

After many drunken weekends it was also decided that we would go in fancy dress, this actually didnt happen on then night purely because we would of looked like fucking idiots all dressed up getting into such a limo as the one that was booked, so we all went off the idea, decided to save the money and buy more drinks with it on the night, sounds like a plan, cant complain. The next thing to organise in the Big limo debate was who was going in the limo, there was plenty of spare seats with only 9 people going on the nightout to Newcastle, so that left 7 free seats, Of course Grandma being Grandma sat in the chair and said "You know i've never been in a limo before" now this little hint paved the way for Gail to come up with the bright idea of the three sisters and my grandma going for a ride in the limo and getting brought home once we got there. I agreed it would be fun but theres no fucking way your coming on the nightout, I cant see me going out clubbing with my Mam, two Aunties and Grandma for my 21st doing a whole lot for my street cred, so I made this perfectly clear. The last thing to organise was were to go, we decided on the Quayside unknown to us that it isnt fucking open on Sunday ahwell if in doubt always fall back to the trebles bar and discuss your options or get pissed whichever comes first, either is good.

The plan was in place the only question how where we going to spend the day and of course the brains of the family, Michael and Lauren (Michael is on the better degree) came up with the idea of a Badminton tournament and a Volleyball tournament, so it was off to Gails for the Afternoon for food and drink and some kind of comedy show which is our family playing sport. After a good few hours of rolling about on the floor mostly laughing and with a broken fence from when Julie tried to run into it not realizing that she wasnt shergar. Overall it was a fun afternoon.

The 21st Birthday haul was a good one this year, lots of glasses and keys and champagne bottles large and miniture (including ice bucket), why do you get so many keys from your 18th and 21st, Everyone says "Key to the door" and all that shite, is the 18th one the key to the backdoor? and the 21st for the front door? At your still not old enough to go in the front, but 3 years later your allowed to go in both doors WOOOHOO! anywho im rambling on about nothing really so we will continue. I also got  2 watches, one from Gail and one from good old Cliff, The one from Cliff I must mention was wrapped in his own hand made wrapping paper that he made at work or he could of bought it from some kind of DIY establishment in the pest control section as it had a strange resemblance to that of that paper you get that flys land on and get stuck, anywho it was a very nice watch, upon the sound advice of Gail or Mugabe, "keep one for good and one for work", No Gail I was planning on wearing one on each wrist, come on know some family members have more intelligence than your average King Edward Potato. From the Parants I got £2100 cash, a £100 for every year, I cant fucking wait til im 60, of course I was told I had to save some it to put towards a new car and I had to go out and Spend some of it on a proper "keepy" Birthday Present.

One thing I will say that never in my life will I ever go shopping taking Wendy and Gail, because showing you up doesnt even come close to describing what they do lol, You got Gail Mugabe shouting "come on people"...."In here people".."where we going next people" and you've got me mother saying "what do you think of this bairn"..."this looks nice sweetheart"....easiest thing to do in a situation like this is fuck off, so off on our own went Me, Robert and Michael...ahhh sorted. Been told I had to spend money was great, I simply threw away near enough every single peice of clothing I owned and started again then we met back up with the family to go and pick something to keep, so it was off to the Jewelers, after 20 mintues of debate I walked out with with £185 chain and £160 ring, not bad at all and we also solved the argument that is... Does Robert remind people of Luke from Big Brother? as it turns out the answer is yes although i dont think Robert was to happy about it been shouted in a jewelers but what do you expect you cant take our family anywhere. 

So Sunday evening I head down to get ready, The plan being that we all meet at my house at 7:30pm "I bet ya im there" you hear leanne shout, of course this is going off what we like to call the Leanne Time Zone (LTZ) which is behind our own time zone by anything from 15 minutes to 3 hours depending on a variety of factors including laziness, Pottering around doing odd jobs, climate control and defecating rituals. 8:00pm and everyone was here having a drink awaiting the arrival of the "famous limo" they had herd so much about, I do remember been ready to go out and been on the trampoline with the bairns which wasnt a good way to start the night off seeing as im crippled from the last time I was on it, but what you gonna do...drink more alcohol, no pain no gain as they like to say in a far away arab kingdom. Just before 8:30pm the Limo turned up and it was fucking massive, how it ever got up our little street is beyond me, it was massive 16 seater, 8 Wheeler Hummer and of course all the neighbours curtains started twitching...It pulled up and we opened the door, inside was fucking amazing, Posh isnt the word, We had Champagne, Music and Balloons, TV's everything, This is the kind of lifestyle I could get used to. So we had about 15minutes to let the Kids have a climb in the limo, get some pictures and stuff, stick my head out the window, that kind of thing, As everyone was pottering around doing there own thing, alcohol still flowing and I look over and spot another Limo coming up the bank, fucking hell here we go, now in comparison this limo was a fucking hearse, they pulled up and said they where booked for tonight, the horror on everyones face, so we deal with it cool, calm and collected? or course not we send in Leanne....problem solved, they will either drive away or the police will turn up and take Leanne away because shes hit one of them lol, either way its sorted, so the bloke was been cocky with the Leanne saying it was confirmed this morning so Leanne shouted me over, and I had indeed confirmed a limo on the morning but as far as I was concerned there was only one limo booked so when someone phones saying " we are just confirming you still want the limo for tonight" then I assumed it was for the hummer and said yes, of course these idiots dont get that so I just said look, We have this limo here or that limo there, which one do you think im getting in to go out tonight, take a random guess and walked away, So then he said he was getting on the phone to the boss and Leanne been Leanne, "Here pass the phone let me speak to him" now this is the calm before the storm with Leanne, shes getting ready to start shouting , fortunatly he never handed over the phone and Leanne getting annoyed by this point just said "Look, You where cancelled in Febuary because I myself cancelled it, You have no confirmation of a booking, You have no deposit, theres no way we are getting in this limo over that one"..woohooo game set and match to Leanne and they eventually fucked off.

So it was time to set off, In the limo you had, Myself, Michael & Lauren, Robert, Leanne, Daniel, Andrea and Niamh and of course coming along for the ride where the Fisher sisters of Wendy, Gail, Julie and of course My grandma Mary. Well if you had seen us all in the limo on the way there we went on disgraceful lol, There was people with there head out the window, People trying to dance including Wendy, how embarassing and of course the champagne flowing, 6 bottles, the problem being I had to sneak down and nick 2 bottles from the oldies section because it was like feeding elephants on strawberries up the young end of the limo, needless to say we where in an hour and by the time we rolled up in Newcastle we where well on our way to being pissed, We headed for the Quilted Camel, Trebles Bar, always a good bar to start off at, obviously the bar of choice for Robert as he went sprinting past desperate for the toilet.

We went in and it was quiet until we arrived, it was in, sit down and over to the bar. I got the first round in, Bottle of Champagne, why not start how you mean to go on. After a drink it was time to send the oldies packing and the plan was for us to move over to the quayside but of course we didnt know it was closed, so we just stopped in the trebles bar and kept the drinks flowing, 3 treble Vodka and redbulls later it was time for another round of Champagne. Now sunday night out in Newcastle is nowhere near as busy as a friday or a saturday so you are forced to make your own entertainment which of course this family has no problem in doing, of course with the addition of Andrea out and about you know its going to be bad but you just dont know how bad its going to get, until she decided that everyone needed to check out her boobs after her boob job, I walked outside and there she is, getting them out for any passerby even telling people to have a feel that is until 2 Asian lads walked past then the mood changed with Andrea politely informing them, that as they where an ethnic minority they would not appreciate the full potential of boobs and therefore cant touch, she never quite put it like that as I remember it, it was something along the lines of "Your not touching them you dirty arab bastards!" trying to take control of the situation in stepped Leanne who took Andrea to oneside and told her that you cant say things like that nowadays and that you had to say "Dirty paki Bastards" so with the bouncer standing there laughing and me dying with embarassment what could possibly make this situation worse, well a bunch of 3 Russian lads who were actually working at Nissan where I work came over and started talking but only in Russian but they where obviously commenting on the fact Andrea had just had her tits out for the world to see, so of course Leanne been Leanne she stepped in again and started shouting at them calling them ignorant and telling them if they had anything to say to say the fucker in english otherwise shesd smash there fucking face in. So on the brink of a intercity, interracial riot we went back into the club however the club manager came out and was having a chat with us and Andrea not been shy of anything asked or should I say demanded for more of an appropriate word that we have a round of free drinks for my birthday, to which the manager replied "You can have a round of free drinks if you sit on my face". Know I dont wish to speculate but all I will say is we got a free round of drinks. nice going Andrea. (Just for the record she didnt actually do anything...we dont think). Its also worth mentioning that by chucking out time Leanne somehow had the Bouncers girlfriends number on Andreas behalf, What Andrea wants with the bouncers girlfriends number is another question entirely. Another round of Champagne and a few more trebles and the club was closed and yet we still had another hour and a half before we where to be picked up. This caused arguments between Robert and Michael which was hilarious, these two would argue over the flip of coin given half the chance.

Robert been the "alcohol expert" and knowing Newcastle, he knew where the clubs where still open so we hopped in a Taxi, When we got there a line of 3 clubs all bouncing, perfect, until that is we tried to get in when which a bouncer told Andrea she wasnt getting in because shes too drunk, Now I know Andrea can be stupid when shes drunk but she wasnt actually doing anything wrong this time (for once) so of course she started arguing with the bouncer, Michael having a drink felt obliged to join in, As the situation started to get out of control, In stepped Leanne pulling Andrea and Michael she said "Let me speak to him" now anyone who knows Leanne will know that these words work in the exact same way as the early warning signal did during the war, in other words run for cover. Leanne was actually been quite polite trying to sort the situation out until the bouncer came out with "I stopped listening to you 2 seconds after you started talking"  this cocky attitude is like waving a red flag to a bull and so I thought it was time to step in and defuse the situation with the suggestion of just going into the club next door. "No you fucking wont, we manage all these clubs you wont be getting in any" was the cocky bouncers response he had no idea just how close he was coming to getting his face smashed in. anywho undeterred by this minor detail, straight into the club walked Andrea followed by the bouncer 2 Minutes later out she comes not a happy chappy and Leanne slowly simmering in the corner ready to kick off, annoyence rising, well talking to the other bouncer, not the cocky bastard, He said "look you aint really done anything wrong, we are not in charge of that bar at the end you can try in there", finally someone talking sense, so off we went of course then Michael started shouting at the bouncer calling him all kinds of names and pissing him off big style, so when the bouncer said come here and say that Michael had no problem walking over and saying it followed by go on hit me, you'll lose your fucking job, This is where the situation turned into a comedy show for me because I was pissing myself laughing because the bouncer was purely been a prick, he was young and on a power trip, we knew that and his colleagues knew that, also the fact that if he touched Michael, He would be on the floor in less than 20 seconds from Leanne, I just found the whole thing amusing. Eventually we went into the bar the other bouncer had suggested, order a round of drinks and sat down, by this time we where all really pissed and convo at the table consisted of what was gonna happen to the cocky bouncer when we walked out of there, again it was funny as fuck until one of the staff members called out my name for the Karaoke, Leanne! you fucking bastard...."awww hes 21 today people bless him", fuck it head high come Leanne lets clear this place out and thats exactly what we did, the singing was absolutly chronic, I mean really bad but everyone in the place must of been pissed because we sounded great to them, they where singing, dancing and one table in particular consisting of a party of 11, left the club altogether....RESULT! Going back to the table there was just noone apart from Daniel there and Daniel was actually lying on the table fast asleep, fucking hell how much has he had, we've still got 20mintues drinking time, better wake him up. 20 minutes later another couple of drinks down the hatch everyone round that table, pissed just wasnt the word for us, and it was time to go because we wanted food before going home and we had to get a taxi back to the quayside, They had closed the main entrance to the club and put a sign asking people to leave by the side exit, as I looked round, Lauren is banging on the window saying "look Michael, its the side but its not an exit" it certainly had her puzzled, just getting everyone out the club took some doing, then it was time for the first tumble of the night which was Niamh, she just hit the deck when she hit the fresh air. It took a while to get us all up the street and into the takeaway shop, and once we got everyone served we only had 10minutes to get back to the quayside we needed to get back ASAP, lucky for us there was a taxi rank just over the road...or was it as simple as that.

Now before I explain this next incident I will just state you will have to use your imagination and I very much doubt any of you have experience anything quite like it, its one of them moments when you just cant understand whats going on or dont believe what your hearing and yet because you are pissed you find everything fucking hilarious. First thing was Niamh hitting the deck again in the middle of the road, only difference been this time her food went flying all over, brilliant thats one down, Me and Lauren picked her up and walked her over to the taxi rank, Michael opened the door of the first taxi...use your imaginations people...

Michael: Can you take us down to the quayside mate
Driver: No, its not that far
Michael: We need to be there to get picked up by half one
Driver: Theres no way im taking you on a 5min Journey just so you can get another taxi home now shut the door
Michael: We not getting another fucking Taxi, A limo is picking us up its his 21st
Driver:  of course your not and its not worth my time
Michael: We'll give you a fiver for it thats £2 more than normal
Driver: No chance
Michael: Are you fucking joking, the state this country is in your turning down work during the credit crunch when its paying nearly double what you would make off it normally, theres no fucker else about its not like your gonna get another fair, fucking look around
Driver: Im not taking you
Michael: What a fucking prick, which fucking taxi driver turns down a fair, fucking tosser
*Door slams shut*

Moving onto the second taxi we where told that he was in a queue and couldnt go before the driver in front, well after Michael giving him a lecture on the state of the countries economy and the credit crunch and then calling him a prick I doubted we where going anywhere fast, we had 5 minutes to get to the quayside. Up steps Leanne again, "move out the way let me speak to the fucker"....fucking hell here we go, 2 minutes later she pops her head out the taxi and shouts he'll take the first lot of us, but we wont fucking take you (pointing at Michael) and theres no food going in the taxi, poor Daniel who was standing next Leanne with his chips was suddenly dragged forwards and had his chips slung over the street, sorry your nearest, "you eat them or you lose them get in, Jonathan your in here, Niamh, Andrea in here aswell, Robert move it. It was all done with military precsion and in we got doing as we where told and suddenly knowing exactly how the Jews felt in Auschwitz. Pulling up to the quayside our limo was waiting, and after a quiet apology from the taxi driver who didnt believe we where getting into a limo we all piled in, that is of course apart from Michael who had somehow managed to keep his chips hidden and was told he wasnt allowed in the limo with them, so he stood of the grass verge eating them as slow as he possibly could, 5 minutes later he still wasnt finished and everyone in the limo was getting pissed off so out the limo jumped Leanne and what happened next was infact a wrestling match between 2 cousins over a portion of chips, needless to say Leanne won even though Michael only had 2 chips left and in he was pushed lying on the floor and the limo start off and moved off. Now actually the Journey home in the Limo is vague for me, my only memory is having my head out the window going down the motorway then turning round and looking around and seeing Robert flat out at one end of the limo, his feet nearly touching the ceiling, then having Niamh on one seat leaning against Lauren who in turn was leaning against Michael, all 3 of them where asleep, then you had Daniel propping himself against the minibar asleep because he couldnt lie down because the limo was spinning lol and then Leanne lying flat out on the seat singing at the top of her voice to Britney Spears...what a fucking strange vision of events but there you go.

Back home, we got dropped of at mine, raided my house for alcohol, Robert tripped over the dog, Niamh fell through the door, we grabbed what drink we could and headed over Leannes, Michael and Lauren heading up home as they had exam results to get in the morning, Now to be perfectly honest I went over Leannes and I dont think I had a drink of alcohol yet, Fucking mortal wasnt the world, I collapsed in front of the fire and remember hearing Leanne annoncing that she was going to the toilet (meaning she was going to bed), Niamh asleep on the couch, Daniel asleep on the other and Me, Andrea and Robert all fighting over the dog beds it must of looked strange, no wonder Leanne fucked off to bed, At about 4am after sitting talking about random shit, Andrea went up and nicked the 2 quilts from upstairs and brought them down and covered us all up on the floor and cuddled up like 3 fucking eskimos, Thats all I remember until 6:30am when Julie came in and gave me a little kick to which point I got up walked in the kitchen got a drink of water then walked out the front door and roundd home, crawled up the stairs to bed, passing my mam getting ready for work in the process then deciding the wall needed help keeping itself vertical before finally realising that my ablity to keep walls supported was not my strong point, I collapsed into bed. 9:30am the phone rang, It was Robert telling me to go back over as they where all up, Fucking hell rough wasnt the word for what I felt but frightened of missing something I dragged myself out of bed and went over, still well pissed from the night before. Walking into Leannes Robert is sitting there with a vodka and Niamh is sitting there, hair all over the place supping on a bottle of smirnoff Ice (only because she was thirsty nothing more), how on fucking earth did they do it. We had a discussion about the night, what went well and what went really well, reminded people of some embarassing moments and of course how Robert wouldnt speak to any of us if he discovered we where muslim, welcome to the the twlight zone people. All in all it was a excellent night, couldnt of been better. Roll on the big 30.