Act Daft

Laura's 19th Birthday

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 20:24:00 +0000

Well I know its been quite a while since I put up a blog of whats happening but I thought Laura's 19th was an occasion that just had to be shared with everyone.

Laura did you actually think you were going to get away with your birthday being a simple Saturday night drinking session? how wrong could you be, It was Leanne who thought up the idea of a party (I know you wouldnt believe it Leanne thinking) but we will forgive her this time as even after the morning after there were still a few of us still recovering from the weekends events.

The idea was a nice easy straight forward one, which although you just know isnt going to go to as you planned, you still like having that good feeling you get when you actually have a plan of attack, of course the actual plan and Laura's plan were two very different things. I Picked up Laura on Friday as normal and we decided to have a look down Seaton, so far so good, no problems until on the way down I got a phone call from Leanne asking if we were having a drink, of course we took up the invitation but then Laura instantly got it in her head that if we had a drink on the friday we would be to rough to have a good drink on the Saturday for her birthday and of course she wasnt happy. I tried to tell her that everything would be fine and that we would do both, but would she listen? fucking not likely, so i got the huffy treatment the rest of the journey.

She cheered up once we got there had an hour or so in the arcades and headed home of course making time for a pizza from pizza roma before heading over Leannes for some drink. Now I dont think theres any need to go into some of the conversations that can arrise while we have 3 cousins sitting around having a drink for 2 reasons...

Some of the parents might see this even though there are some embarrasing pics going up and they would be a entire blog of there own (they are really that disturbing)
You wouldnt fucking believe me if I told you

Anyhow moving on as the drink flowed (rather moderatley in comparison than normal) I think it was Laura who turned the conversation to her birthday and what we were going to be drinking, and who had to go and drop the spoiler yes it was me when I came out with the quote of "I'll wait til the adults are gone before i get smashed, cant be doing with getting the evil eye of me mother or Gail for being drunk" *silence comes over the room* I get one hell of a fucking kick from bobby and if looks could kill i would be 6ft under and I realised i had fucked up completely and gave the game away, what a fucking numpty but to make matters worse, Leanne backed me up by saying "ah they only stopping til 11 or something" and the evil eyes of Robert Edward Thompson darted towards her, im glad he looked at her because i couldnt for laughing and shaking my head occasionally glancing at Laura to see if she had realised what we were talking about, but being a typical woman she had become engrossed in a music video on the TV and seemed completely oblivious to the conversation going on around her.

I knew i was for the high jump when she left to go to the toilet and soon enough the moment came and i got another sharp kick from bobby and of course handling it in a dignified manner as to which you would expect I immediately drew attention to the fact that Leanne had backed me up which took Robert away on another rant, I knew Laura had paid no attention to what had been said I only bring it up in this blog for the simple fact that if i was as sure of winning the lottery that it would of been Robert to give the game away then I would be a very rich. It is well known in the kellafornian circles that Bob cant keep his own shit especially after a drink, If you want everyone in the family to know summit you tell Bob, if you dont then you avoid telling him at all costs, he doesnt have the nickname R.E.S.T for nothing. Needless to say thinking we were safe and had avoided giving the game away we strolled home at 2:30am not a bad night.

Saturday was a strange day because I had the job of keeping Laura entertained and away from things getting organised, I wonder how you managed that I hear you ask, well I shall tell you young blogger reader person, I did what any loving and caring man would do.... I invited her back to bed....getting up only in the late afternoon for a bath (a quick came of COD 6) and to start getting ready, It wasnt to bad a day if im honest, I went down for a bath which was a perfect excuse to go down and help Wendy with the food and then I had to persuade Laura to wear the clothes she bought for her birthday even though by now she had convinced herself that we wernt having a proper drink because of the drink the night before (can you believe i was still getting wrong for that).

Reverting back to the plan of attack I had strict orders from the family that I should take Laura to Tesco at 6:45pm (not 6:44pm no, that would fuck things up beyond repair) pick up the drink and head back for 7:30pm (again not 7:31 or 7:29 otherwise we would destabalize the universe as we know it) everything is going fine until I get a phone call from Leanne saying stall go abit later they hadnt got things sorted of course why didnt I realise i was working on GMT while Leanne is on Leanne mean time which is GMT +20mins (rough estimate as Leanne Mean time changes on a daily basis) I decided to go ahead at 6:45 and just stall Laura while we were at Tesco it would be easier than having to come up with excuses while sitting there ready to go, so off we went, having a look around Tesco thinking time was passing by slowly, I got another phone call from Leanne asking where we were, IN TESCO! you told me to fucking stall, So now we had to get the drink get back everyone was waiting and I had to make up an excuse as to why Leanne was calling, If that wasnt bad I was now getting the evil eye for hurrying around the shop, and plus they didnt have any WKD in stock, so We had to get out, go get some WKD and get home where we had 15 people sitting in the dark waiting. Crack on so far we have stuck to that plan so well.

Once Laura walked in the door and seen everyone and jumping at the sound of SUPRISE! the smile came on her face and she began to shake abit overcome by it all, I dont think Laura has experienced anything quite like that so was abit taken a back, but im glad she was happy with it, I had visions off her doing a forrest gump and taking off down the street running away from the noisey zoo that is our family. Another highlight this early in the night was hearing next door coming in and hearing them say "fucking hell shes having a drink again" haha come on now its a celebration you miserable bastards.

So the party started, Being nice and sensible we started off with sensible drinks (for the first 30 minutes anyway) a little later and out came the Beer bong and the Jagermister and so it began. If you are unfarmiliar with the beer bong or indeed a drink called the jagerbomb, then I shall explain with a couple of simple formulas...

The Beer Bong - Ingredients may vary (do not try these at home unless you want to have a really amusing time)

Carling
Cider
Bottle of WKD
Port
Vodka (alot)
Jagermeister
Red Bull
Cactus Jack
Wine
Smirnoff Ice
Fanta Orange

Jager Bomb!

Definition: Take a glass pour in 1/2 to 3/4 of the red bull, have the Jagermeister in a shot glass ready. Drop the Jager still in the shot glass into the glass of red bull, knock it all back!

When you think we started the night off with this kind of shit you soon realise that its not going to get any better, as the night went on the measures were getting abit unbalanced aswell, After the parents had left thank fuck for that theres only so much laughing you can do at Gail and Wendy dancing like the spice girls (I use the term dancing loosley) the real fun started, that is where if you check the photos it got fucking horrendous, I know alot of the family havent seen the full range of photos, We had to do a sort out, but im hoping they dont check here, but even by our standards some of them are really bad lol, Might have something to do with the fact that at 5am We were down to cans only and by 6:30am we had nothing left but mixers, now I dont have a picture of the drink that was drunk but believe me, I wouldnt of thought it was possible to get through what we did.

Come midnight Dave Landed from work, He joined in to some extent, had a few cans a beer bong and took a few pictures of himself with the camera but at 4am he was ready for bed, was he allowed? no he wasnt, Infact Robert made sure he didnt go to bed even if it meant sitting on the bed keeping him awake for 45 minutes until he gave in. I could go on for ever and ever about the events of the night, but I honestly dont think I can sum it up better than the Photos we left at 6:45am on the Sunday morning and as we rolled around home, you just knew that the hangover was going to be immense.

The phone rang at 11am unknown to myself and Laura it was Bobby, asking how we were, so after been called down for dinner which we never ate much off We had a stroll back over to Leannes to see the aftermath....and fucking hell what an aftermath it was, to open Leannes front door just to hear giggling you instantly know that everyone is still pissed, walking through the door straight into the face of the one and only Mr Balloon (A balloon in a hoody) and you know Robert has finally lost his mind to the drink, me being me decided to pop Mr Balloon within 20 seconds of walking in the room, only to the deafening shouts of Robert saying I was a Balloon Murder I soon realised that this was as close to normality as I would get for the day.

After the amazing reincarnation of Mr Balloon coming back as a balloon would you of guessed it, He was soon dying on the floor once more until only his rubbery forskin was left, not wanting another Jesus like Miracle I was determined not to allow Mr Balloon to return and so popped his brother, sister, mother, father, and long lost cousin Rodriguez. Sitting down in the chair if looks could kill I would of been dead, I had massacred the balloon family and Robert remained to tell everyone this at intervals of 15mins or if someone new walked into the room, He wasnt a happy chappy or bless. In My defence...actually sctratch that I didnt need one as the jury were just sitting rolling around on the couch laughing. After Julie trotted up to see just what state we were in, it suddenly dawned on us all just how much we had drunk, With no drink left only mixers (an achievement in itself considering) and a kitchen looking like someone had bombed it during an earthquake we decided to do a little tidying up, now when I say little what I mean is that we watch Julie pick up some rubbish while Bob still not happy over the death of Mr Balloon decided to try Baileys swimming hat on which made him look somewhere between a smurf and an absolute Knobhead picture is on facebook...come on Im sure you have all being in the state before havent you?

As the afternoon went on we just laughed, giggled and then laughed some more pondering over lifes questions that everyone does...How where we standing at the end of the night?...what the fuck were we thinking with the beer bongs....and of course Just how the fuck did Robert actually get Dave to come back down stairs after we went to bed at 4am? What could possibly give you more of a bad head that a situation such as this, you guessed it, yes the kids coming back from there Dads, Leanne wobbling to the door no joke she looked like something along the lines of Planet of the apes do an arcological dig, she was rough, and when she opened the door Chris wasnt amused that she'd had a good time aww bless, bye bye, close the door on your way out. The only thing about having the kids there when your hungover and running on 3 hours sleep is even when they are quiet a time will come when you have to entertain them or curl up in a ball and die, choosing the latter we got some more balloons and decided to play keepy uppy with 5 balloons with 2 kids 5 adults and a horse all in one living room, we played for well over an hour some crazy game with people jumping all over the place and suprise suprise Bob always ended up on the floor... Is anyone else starting to see a pattern emerging here with you Robert?

Well that kind of sums up Lauras 19th, fucking hell Im not looking forward to her turning 20 if thats the case, I hope you enjoyed it darling and it was worth it but Leanne for fucks sake we cant be doing this for everyones Birthday or I'll not live past 25.

21st Birthday Celebrations

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 22:24:00 +0000

So finally it was the big one, 21, The last big birthday before the zeros and we all know its downhill from here, just take a look at Leanne and Robert . Planning for my birthday began way back in Febuary, holding Wendy to her word we booked a limo, perfect so far so good, electric blue, carries 8 people, just what we looking for, however 2 weeks later going to pay the deposit we found out that some clumsy fucker had blew himself off the roof and killed himself in a accident and the company was now closing down, the inconsiderate bastards. So the hunt was on for a new limo, after spending hours and on the brink of being late for work, we deicded that the next one we phoned would be the one no matter what the price, it just so happened that the next one was a 16 seater hummer costing £440 with all the extras...BOOK IT!...I'd worry about telling my mother later, after all she was paying.

After many drunken weekends it was also decided that we would go in fancy dress, this actually didnt happen on then night purely because we would of looked like fucking idiots all dressed up getting into such a limo as the one that was booked, so we all went off the idea, decided to save the money and buy more drinks with it on the night, sounds like a plan, cant complain. The next thing to organise in the Big limo debate was who was going in the limo, there was plenty of spare seats with only 9 people going on the nightout to Newcastle, so that left 7 free seats, Of course Grandma being Grandma sat in the chair and said "You know i've never been in a limo before" now this little hint paved the way for Gail to come up with the bright idea of the three sisters and my grandma going for a ride in the limo and getting brought home once we got there. I agreed it would be fun but theres no fucking way your coming on the nightout, I cant see me going out clubbing with my Mam, two Aunties and Grandma for my 21st doing a whole lot for my street cred, so I made this perfectly clear. The last thing to organise was were to go, we decided on the Quayside unknown to us that it isnt fucking open on Sunday ahwell if in doubt always fall back to the trebles bar and discuss your options or get pissed whichever comes first, either is good.

The plan was in place the only question how where we going to spend the day and of course the brains of the family, Michael and Lauren (Michael is on the better degree) came up with the idea of a Badminton tournament and a Volleyball tournament, so it was off to Gails for the Afternoon for food and drink and some kind of comedy show which is our family playing sport. After a good few hours of rolling about on the floor mostly laughing and with a broken fence from when Julie tried to run into it not realizing that she wasnt shergar. Overall it was a fun afternoon.

The 21st Birthday haul was a good one this year, lots of glasses and keys and champagne bottles large and miniture (including ice bucket), why do you get so many keys from your 18th and 21st, Everyone says "Key to the door" and all that shite, is the 18th one the key to the backdoor? and the 21st for the front door? At your still not old enough to go in the front, but 3 years later your allowed to go in both doors WOOOHOO! anywho im rambling on about nothing really so we will continue. I also got 2 watches, one from Gail and one from good old Cliff, The one from Cliff I must mention was wrapped in his own hand made wrapping paper that he made at work or he could of bought it from some kind of DIY establishment in the pest control section as it had a strange resemblance to that of that paper you get that flys land on and get stuck, anywho it was a very nice watch, upon the sound advice of Gail or Mugabe, "keep one for good and one for work", No Gail I was planning on wearing one on each wrist, come on know some family members have more intelligence than your average King Edward Potato. From the Parants I got £2100 cash, a £100 for every year, I cant fucking wait til im 60, of course I was told I had to save some it to put towards a new car and I had to go out and Spend some of it on a proper "keepy" Birthday Present.

One thing I will say that never in my life will I ever go shopping taking Wendy and Gail, because showing you up doesnt even come close to describing what they do lol, You got Gail Mugabe shouting "come on people"...."In here people".."where we going next people" and you've got me mother saying "what do you think of this bairn"..."this looks nice sweetheart"....easiest thing to do in a situation like this is fuck off, so off on our own went Me, Robert and Michael...ahhh sorted. Been told I had to spend money was great, I simply threw away near enough every single peice of clothing I owned and started again then we met back up with the family to go and pick something to keep, so it was off to the Jewelers, after 20 mintues of debate I walked out with with £185 chain and £160 ring, not bad at all and we also solved the argument that is... Does Robert remind people of Luke from Big Brother? as it turns out the answer is yes although i dont think Robert was to happy about it been shouted in a jewelers but what do you expect you cant take our family anywhere.

So Sunday evening I head down to get ready, The plan being that we all meet at my house at 7:30pm "I bet ya im there" you hear leanne shout, of course this is going off what we like to call the Leanne Time Zone (LTZ) which is behind our own time zone by anything from 15 minutes to 3 hours depending on a variety of factors including laziness, Pottering around doing odd jobs, climate control and defecating rituals. 8:00pm and everyone was here having a drink awaiting the arrival of the "famous limo" they had herd so much about, I do remember been ready to go out and been on the trampoline with the bairns which wasnt a good way to start the night off seeing as im crippled from the last time I was on it, but what you gonna do...drink more alcohol, no pain no gain as they like to say in a far away arab kingdom. Just before 8:30pm the Limo turned up and it was fucking massive, how it ever got up our little street is beyond me, it was massive 16 seater, 8 Wheeler Hummer and of course all the neighbours curtains started twitching...It pulled up and we opened the door, inside was fucking amazing, Posh isnt the word, We had Champagne, Music and Balloons, TV's everything, This is the kind of lifestyle I could get used to. So we had about 15minutes to let the Kids have a climb in the limo, get some pictures and stuff, stick my head out the window, that kind of thing, As everyone was pottering around doing there own thing, alcohol still flowing and I look over and spot another Limo coming up the bank, fucking hell here we go, now in comparison this limo was a fucking hearse, they pulled up and said they where booked for tonight, the horror on everyones face, so we deal with it cool, calm and collected? or course not we send in Leanne....problem solved, they will either drive away or the police will turn up and take Leanne away because shes hit one of them lol, either way its sorted, so the bloke was been cocky with the Leanne saying it was confirmed this morning so Leanne shouted me over, and I had indeed confirmed a limo on the morning but as far as I was concerned there was only one limo booked so when someone phones saying " we are just confirming you still want the limo for tonight" then I assumed it was for the hummer and said yes, of course these idiots dont get that so I just said look, We have this limo here or that limo there, which one do you think im getting in to go out tonight, take a random guess and walked away, So then he said he was getting on the phone to the boss and Leanne been Leanne, "Here pass the phone let me speak to him" now this is the calm before the storm with Leanne, shes getting ready to start shouting , fortunatly he never handed over the phone and Leanne getting annoyed by this point just said "Look, You where cancelled in Febuary because I myself cancelled it, You have no confirmation of a booking, You have no deposit, theres no way we are getting in this limo over that one"..woohooo game set and match to Leanne and they eventually fucked off.

So it was time to set off, In the limo you had, Myself, Michael & Lauren, Robert, Leanne, Daniel, Andrea and Niamh and of course coming along for the ride where the Fisher sisters of Wendy, Gail, Julie and of course My grandma Mary. Well if you had seen us all in the limo on the way there we went on disgraceful lol, There was people with there head out the window, People trying to dance including Wendy, how embarassing and of course the champagne flowing, 6 bottles, the problem being I had to sneak down and nick 2 bottles from the oldies section because it was like feeding elephants on strawberries up the young end of the limo, needless to say we where in an hour and by the time we rolled up in Newcastle we where well on our way to being pissed, We headed for the Quilted Camel, Trebles Bar, always a good bar to start off at, obviously the bar of choice for Robert as he went sprinting past desperate for the toilet.

We went in and it was quiet until we arrived, it was in, sit down and over to the bar. I got the first round in, Bottle of Champagne, why not start how you mean to go on. After a drink it was time to send the oldies packing and the plan was for us to move over to the quayside but of course we didnt know it was closed, so we just stopped in the trebles bar and kept the drinks flowing, 3 treble Vodka and redbulls later it was time for another round of Champagne. Now sunday night out in Newcastle is nowhere near as busy as a friday or a saturday so you are forced to make your own entertainment which of course this family has no problem in doing, of course with the addition of Andrea out and about you know its going to be bad but you just dont know how bad its going to get, until she decided that everyone needed to check out her boobs after her boob job, I walked outside and there she is, getting them out for any passerby even telling people to have a feel that is until 2 Asian lads walked past then the mood changed with Andrea politely informing them, that as they where an ethnic minority they would not appreciate the full potential of boobs and therefore cant touch, she never quite put it like that as I remember it, it was something along the lines of "Your not touching them you dirty arab bastards!" trying to take control of the situation in stepped Leanne who took Andrea to oneside and told her that you cant say things like that nowadays and that you had to say "Dirty paki Bastards" so with the bouncer standing there laughing and me dying with embarassment what could possibly make this situation worse, well a bunch of 3 Russian lads who were actually working at Nissan where I work came over and started talking but only in Russian but they where obviously commenting on the fact Andrea had just had her tits out for the world to see, so of course Leanne been Leanne she stepped in again and started shouting at them calling them ignorant and telling them if they had anything to say to say the fucker in english otherwise shesd smash there fucking face in. So on the brink of a intercity, interracial riot we went back into the club however the club manager came out and was having a chat with us and Andrea not been shy of anything asked or should I say demanded for more of an appropriate word that we have a round of free drinks for my birthday, to which the manager replied "You can have a round of free drinks if you sit on my face". Know I dont wish to speculate but all I will say is we got a free round of drinks. nice going Andrea. (Just for the record she didnt actually do anything...we dont think). Its also worth mentioning that by chucking out time Leanne somehow had the Bouncers girlfriends number on Andreas behalf, What Andrea wants with the bouncers girlfriends number is another question entirely. Another round of Champagne and a few more trebles and the club was closed and yet we still had another hour and a half before we where to be picked up. This caused arguments between Robert and Michael which was hilarious, these two would argue over the flip of coin given half the chance.

Robert been the "alcohol expert" and knowing Newcastle, he knew where the clubs where still open so we hopped in a Taxi, When we got there a line of 3 clubs all bouncing, perfect, until that is we tried to get in when which a bouncer told Andrea she wasnt getting in because shes too drunk, Now I know Andrea can be stupid when shes drunk but she wasnt actually doing anything wrong this time (for once) so of course she started arguing with the bouncer, Michael having a drink felt obliged to join in, As the situation started to get out of control, In stepped Leanne pulling Andrea and Michael she said "Let me speak to him" now anyone who knows Leanne will know that these words work in the exact same way as the early warning signal did during the war, in other words run for cover. Leanne was actually been quite polite trying to sort the situation out until the bouncer came out with "I stopped listening to you 2 seconds after you started talking" this cocky attitude is like waving a red flag to a bull and so I thought it was time to step in and defuse the situation with the suggestion of just going into the club next door. "No you fucking wont, we manage all these clubs you wont be getting in any" was the cocky bouncers response he had no idea just how close he was coming to getting his face smashed in. anywho undeterred by this minor detail, straight into the club walked Andrea followed by the bouncer 2 Minutes later out she comes not a happy chappy and Leanne slowly simmering in the corner ready to kick off, annoyence rising, well talking to the other bouncer, not the cocky bastard, He said "look you aint really done anything wrong, we are not in charge of that bar at the end you can try in there", finally someone talking sense, so off we went of course then Michael started shouting at the bouncer calling him all kinds of names and pissing him off big style, so when the bouncer said come here and say that Michael had no problem walking over and saying it followed by go on hit me, you'll lose your fucking job, This is where the situation turned into a comedy show for me because I was pissing myself laughing because the bouncer was purely been a prick, he was young and on a power trip, we knew that and his colleagues knew that, also the fact that if he touched Michael, He would be on the floor in less than 20 seconds from Leanne, I just found the whole thing amusing. Eventually we went into the bar the other bouncer had suggested, order a round of drinks and sat down, by this time we where all really pissed and convo at the table consisted of what was gonna happen to the cocky bouncer when we walked out of there, again it was funny as fuck until one of the staff members called out my name for the Karaoke, Leanne! you fucking bastard...."awww hes 21 today people bless him", fuck it head high come Leanne lets clear this place out and thats exactly what we did, the singing was absolutly chronic, I mean really bad but everyone in the place must of been pissed because we sounded great to them, they where singing, dancing and one table in particular consisting of a party of 11, left the club altogether....RESULT! Going back to the table there was just noone apart from Daniel there and Daniel was actually lying on the table fast asleep, fucking hell how much has he had, we've still got 20mintues drinking time, better wake him up. 20 minutes later another couple of drinks down the hatch everyone round that table, pissed just wasnt the word for us, and it was time to go because we wanted food before going home and we had to get a taxi back to the quayside, They had closed the main entrance to the club and put a sign asking people to leave by the side exit, as I looked round, Lauren is banging on the window saying "look Michael, its the side but its not an exit" it certainly had her puzzled, just getting everyone out the club took some doing, then it was time for the first tumble of the night which was Niamh, she just hit the deck when she hit the fresh air. It took a while to get us all up the street and into the takeaway shop, and once we got everyone served we only had 10minutes to get back to the quayside we needed to get back ASAP, lucky for us there was a taxi rank just over the road...or was it as simple as that.

Now before I explain this next incident I will just state you will have to use your imagination and I very much doubt any of you have experience anything quite like it, its one of them moments when you just cant understand whats going on or dont believe what your hearing and yet because you are pissed you find everything fucking hilarious. First thing was Niamh hitting the deck again in the middle of the road, only difference been this time her food went flying all over, brilliant thats one down, Me and Lauren picked her up and walked her over to the taxi rank, Michael opened the door of the first taxi...use your imaginations people...

Michael: Can you take us down to the quayside mate
Driver: No, its not that far
Michael: We need to be there to get picked up by half one
Driver: Theres no way im taking you on a 5min Journey just so you can get another taxi home now shut the door
Michael: We not getting another fucking Taxi, A limo is picking us up its his 21st
Driver: of course your not and its not worth my time
Michael: We'll give you a fiver for it thats £2 more than normal
Driver: No chance
Michael: Are you fucking joking, the state this country is in your turning down work during the credit crunch when its paying nearly double what you would make off it normally, theres no fucker else about its not like your gonna get another fair, fucking look around
Driver: Im not taking you
Michael: What a fucking prick, which fucking taxi driver turns down a fair, fucking tosser
*Door slams shut*

Moving onto the second taxi we where told that he was in a queue and couldnt go before the driver in front, well after Michael giving him a lecture on the state of the countries economy and the credit crunch and then calling him a prick I doubted we where going anywhere fast, we had 5 minutes to get to the quayside. Up steps Leanne again, "move out the way let me speak to the fucker"....fucking hell here we go, 2 minutes later she pops her head out the taxi and shouts he'll take the first lot of us, but we wont fucking take you (pointing at Michael) and theres no food going in the taxi, poor Daniel who was standing next Leanne with his chips was suddenly dragged forwards and had his chips slung over the street, sorry your nearest, "you eat them or you lose them get in, Jonathan your in here, Niamh, Andrea in here aswell, Robert move it. It was all done with military precsion and in we got doing as we where told and suddenly knowing exactly how the Jews felt in Auschwitz. Pulling up to the quayside our limo was waiting, and after a quiet apology from the taxi driver who didnt believe we where getting into a limo we all piled in, that is of course apart from Michael who had somehow managed to keep his chips hidden and was told he wasnt allowed in the limo with them, so he stood of the grass verge eating them as slow as he possibly could, 5 minutes later he still wasnt finished and everyone in the limo was getting pissed off so out the limo jumped Leanne and what happened next was infact a wrestling match between 2 cousins over a portion of chips, needless to say Leanne won even though Michael only had 2 chips left and in he was pushed lying on the floor and the limo start off and moved off. Now actually the Journey home in the Limo is vague for me, my only memory is having my head out the window going down the motorway then turning round and looking around and seeing Robert flat out at one end of the limo, his feet nearly touching the ceiling, then having Niamh on one seat leaning against Lauren who in turn was leaning against Michael, all 3 of them where asleep, then you had Daniel propping himself against the minibar asleep because he couldnt lie down because the limo was spinning lol and then Leanne lying flat out on the seat singing at the top of her voice to Britney Spears...what a fucking strange vision of events but there you go.

Back home, we got dropped of at mine, raided my house for alcohol, Robert tripped over the dog, Niamh fell through the door, we grabbed what drink we could and headed over Leannes, Michael and Lauren heading up home as they had exam results to get in the morning, Now to be perfectly honest I went over Leannes and I dont think I had a drink of alcohol yet, Fucking mortal wasnt the world, I collapsed in front of the fire and remember hearing Leanne annoncing that she was going to the toilet (meaning she was going to bed), Niamh asleep on the couch, Daniel asleep on the other and Me, Andrea and Robert all fighting over the dog beds it must of looked strange, no wonder Leanne fucked off to bed, At about 4am after sitting talking about random shit, Andrea went up and nicked the 2 quilts from upstairs and brought them down and covered us all up on the floor and cuddled up like 3 fucking eskimos, Thats all I remember until 6:30am when Julie came in and gave me a little kick to which point I got up walked in the kitchen got a drink of water then walked out the front door and roundd home, crawled up the stairs to bed, passing my mam getting ready for work in the process then deciding the wall needed help keeping itself vertical before finally realising that my ablity to keep walls supported was not my strong point, I collapsed into bed. 9:30am the phone rang, It was Robert telling me to go back over as they where all up, Fucking hell rough wasnt the word for what I felt but frightened of missing something I dragged myself out of bed and went over, still well pissed from the night before. Walking into Leannes Robert is sitting there with a vodka and Niamh is sitting there, hair all over the place supping on a bottle of smirnoff Ice (only because she was thirsty nothing more), how on fucking earth did they do it. We had a discussion about the night, what went well and what went really well, reminded people of some embarassing moments and of course how Robert wouldnt speak to any of us if he discovered we where muslim, welcome to the the twlight zone people. All in all it was a excellent night, couldnt of been better. Roll on the big 30.

Scarborough Revisted

Wed, 07 May 2008 20:59:00 +0000

Yes this family seems to spend alot of time down scarborough, this time it was for Laurens 21st but more importantly it was so her brother and his girlfriend could meet our family (gasps from the crowd). This was a very scary thought for Lauren or indeed anyone with a brain cell (even though Lauren is doing a much easier degree than Michael) but it was planned and simply couldnt be cancelled *Dramatic Music*

So off we headed early on a saturday morning, we got down first so we could set up Michael and Laurens room with banners and balloons and them confetti things shaped like twenty ones that stuck right up the crack of your arse. We stayed at the same guesthouse as we normally do, God knows how we are allowed back but the woman did have sense and simply let us book the whole guesthouse all to ourselves...a wise choice.

Michael and Lauren arrived along with Laurens brother Alex and his girlfriend Toni, with such decorum that is our family, on the very meeting with Laurens side of the family, Gail went flying and rolled off the bed onto the floor, trust me it was funny to watch.

Our normal night down Scarborough would consist of going to see Danny Wilde, but to our disapointment and Scarborough residents delight he no longer plays at the Nelson Bar and so we had to find another venue. Laurens birthday and therefore the host had a choice between a singer, a band or a comedian. Knowing who the comedian was as we went to see him before where me and Michael where constantly reffered to as the gay couple she decided to go for the band so a night was planned at the Newcastle Packet.

Getting ready in the guesthouse, mine and Roberts room instantly became the bar with bottles and cans all lined up so it was the obvious meeting place for a few drinks before we went out and to fill Alex and Toni on what our family is like...Topics of discussion where

Roberts - Carrier bag fetish
Grandma and Jeans - American George Incident
Julies - Being septic
Roberts - Can i have a mince "pwoi" incident (mince pie)
Gails - Who do you think you are kidding mister kipling (to the theme of dads army)
Wendys - What is in the sausage rolls dilema
Julies - You've got the wrong teeth in Aprils fools day prank
Gails - look at the size of that river story (it was the north sea)
Grandmas - We cant possibly be smuggling cigarettes officer we are all on the patches
Grandmas - Kevan you want to get that HIV debate (HGV license she meant)

So heading out Alex and Toni thinking that they where going out on a night out with the clampets and me quite pleasantly pissed after downing bottles of reef off we headed to the pub, of course a few hundred yards is to far for our family so we had to stop off in a pub on the way there which was the Britannia which is the only pub i know where you can get a cheap pint, a strip of viagra and a small inflatable sheep from the gents toilets vendor.

Once we rolled into the Newcastle Packet and got a table (all the tables around us soon emptied) it was time for the drinks, and the amazing shot contest, Where we where all drinking shots of corkeys, of course Lauren being the birthday girl won the contest as she downed 24 of various flavours. As everyone got more and more pissed everyone kept refering to Julie as Shergar to which she would do the impression to a tea. The night ended with Robert winning the most drunk award as he feel asleep having a piss in the toilets to the hysterics of the locals.

Chucking out time and we walked back up to the guesthouse where minds turned to food and the kind of food you only eat when rolling drunk, which is kebabs with all kinds of shit on them. Me and Michael sitting laughing at a brummie with torettes in the takeaway shop, a bit insensitive but who cares it was funny at the time. Back to guesthouse the party was not yet over as we all met in Gails room for a few "quiet" drinks with addition of some lad leanne had pulled called Col, who looked like some kind of mass murderer who sat in the corner and never said a word thinking he was in Blackpool.

And so we came to the highlight of the night, Lauren thanking everyone for a brilliant night and saying how much she loves the family and how shes never known anyone like us. (awww bless). How could anyone top that? well leanne certainly give it ago, picture it if you will...

(Leanne stands ups swaying banging her glass on the table)(everyone looks horified)

Can I just say a few words...Lauren im not being horrible but when i first met you i thought you where abit of a snob looking down on us and you didnt interact with the family and you where an outsider but now that i know you, your not like that and your part of the family and we all love you.

(well fucking saved leanne)(sighs of relief from everyone)

...Quick exit and off to bed.

Next morning, with only us in the guesthouse we could have breakfast whenever we wanted (thank fuck for that) and so we crawled down at 10 o clock. Leannes only request of the weekend was not to be sat next to Robert at breakfast and because thisfamily respects each others wishes so much she had to sit next to him. Robert was the star of the show as he decided to have a fully blown conversation with...

A sunflower
Marmalade
Tomoatos
Dragon Ornaments
Cereal
Black pudding

Full up and feeling more hungover than when we got up, we headed home, a very uneventful Journey until we stopped off at bank top for a sandwhich and again Robert stole the show when he was stood in the freezing cold waiting to be served and realised that we where waiting for bacon, he wasnt and she still wasnt serving him so he stormed off and sat in the car in the huff and came out with another speech...again use your imagination people...

"CUSTOMER SERVICE, what customer service, making someone stand in the cold while some fucking numpty sitting there on a break when theres a queue instead of asking what the next person wants. Thought women could multi task, they havent got a clue. Its like going to fish shop with a queue and then taking your order then standing there and cooking it instead of asking the next person what they want so they can get it cooked while you wait, its a disgrace...I'll never go back..INFACT! im not even gonna go in a car thats stopping there i'll take my own car and stop at the next one, i'll report them to enviromental health coz i did see them picking there nose!!!!"

The weekend comes to a close, another one for the memory books, dont worry chances are you will never have to meet any of us lol...We are one family in a million....until next time...Act Daft.

for more pics check the Scarborogh Gallery

Roy Chubby Brown Live

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 05:02:00 +0000

I got my dad a ticket to see chubby brown for christmas and when I mentioned it to Leanne she asked if I could get one for my Uncle David while I was on, not wanting to be left out of a chance to see the worlds rudest and most controversial comedian Me, Michael and Leanne all grabbed tickets aswell. Now if you have never herd of Roy Chubby Brown or never seen one of his videos as I know a few of you wont have depending where you are in the world then I think he sums up the Northeast sense of humour in one simple genre and that is anything goes, Racism, Homophobic, Imigrants, Pedophiles anything is game for a joke as you should not watch if you are easily offended or if indeed your are offended by anything at all, this is very much my sense of humour (sick as fuck) I know many of you especially the Americans dont understand my sense of humour at all, and im not gonna waste my time explaining it or acting differently, you can love me or hate me I dont give a shit and this is the attitude of chubby brown. So lets have abit about Chubby brown...

"Roy 'Chubby' Brown, is a legend in the world of comedy, The funniest comedian of our time.A stand-up comic from Middlesbrough, England who plays to audiences of 350,000 people a year. For over 25 years he has been delivering his own inimitable style of humour that people have come to know and expect. He is admired by men and adored by women from the moment that he comes on stage to the chant of 'You Fat Bastard' until he leaves to the rapturous applause from the sell-out house that he always secures. 'Chubby' although the first man to get a record in the top ten with the word 'f**k' in it and then play on 'Top of the Pops' is considered too blue for television or radio interviews. The only way in which you will get to hear his own special brand of humour is to see one of his live shows, or purchase one of his many live videos or DVD's"

We where all looking forward to seeing Chubby Brown, We went to see him at Newcastle City Hall, which is a place I have never been before and I wasnt expecting it to be as large as it was, but even so it was packed, The atmosphere inside was electric everyone is in a good mood and having a laugh its impossible to go in there and be a miserable bastard it just wont happen, only thing that got on my nerves was the warm up act, absolute shite we could of stopped 30mins longer in the pub, ahwell nevermind we know for next time. If you have never seen him live then I would say your missing something there and get yourself along to a show when hes next touring next to you, you wont regret it, At the end of the night we where all in a good mood and on a natural high, it was a great nights entertainment and he left the stage to a standing oviation as he is set to retire at somepoint this year.

Christmas and New Year

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 02:28:00 +0000

One of the best things about this time of year as sad as it sounds, is the last day of work, knowing your off for 10 days, 10 days away from the shithole that is known as Nissan is all it takes for everyone to cheer up and generally go on like we had all been let out of some kind of medical establishment. On these kind of days as anyone who works in a factory enviroment will verify (if you cant your missing something, head down to the job center) the atmosphere is great, everyone is acting daft and having a laugh and its everyone man for himself, building a car every 57 seconds is a busy job therefore for one day only it is your duty to try and fuck everyone elses job up, the system is quite simple, whoever has to stop the line the most times in the day is a complete tosser, this can be verified simply by the loud cheering and comments such as "WHAT A FUCKING WANKER" and the occasional donkey impression. Of course this happens on a daily basis, you expect the abuse after about a month of working there so you learn to give it when its not you fucking up as your gonna get it back anyway, the difference been on the last day of work is its gets taken to another level, wrong parts put on the cars, turning the air tools off throwing bolts at you, anything that makes you stop the line is fair game, this is war...I think i stopped it twice which isnt bad i suppose, but when we where due to finish at 7pm and didnt finish til 8.30pm purely because of the lads messing about you have to ask yourself was it worth it.....Dam fucking right it was.

The christmas holidays have gone over way to fast although I do believe my liver and kidneys are well on the road to recovery finally after putting away alot of drink, its all Leannes fault, always has been and always will be, my story and im sticking to it. Christmas is a time to spend with family and have a laugh, it seems to happen less and less nowadays in this family, our family is really close and from the outside looking in the amount of people who think we are the perfect family is unbelieveable, but nothing is that perfect, looking back at the past few years christmas and new year has been shite, well not exactly we have always had a laugh but by the end of the night its always ended in trouble wether it be with some daft cunt causing trouble of just family arguments theres always trouble and i thought this year was gonna be the same as the past few, but what can I say it wasnt, It was brilliant.

Our christmas day format is always the same:

- Wake up
- Presents
- Whole family meet at Grandmas
- Go for Dinner and have a drink
- Go to someones house, Party on - more drink
- See in Boxing day - more drink
- Bed
- Hangover

Now apart from the normal, clothes and money that i get for christmas I always get daft little gadgets and stuff and without fail I always get 4 or 5 presents that are alcohol related, this year was no different as I ended up with a set of Vodka, a board game called Vodka (see below), a Leather chair beer holder (dont ask) and shot glasses with...you guessed it...Vodka. Its also worth mentioning that between me and my dad we ended up with 26 pairs of socks, yes my mam is very strange lol. Of course the best part of the day is my Grandma's house, How the whole family which is quite large packs itself into that house and manage to give everyone presents without getting lost in the mass of wrapping paper is beyond me, the atmosphere is like nothing else, especially now with Bailey & Jacoby lighting up our lives (probably with a naked flame) it is absolute mayhem and I wouldnt miss it for the world. There is something remarkably soothing about been surrounded by total chaos.

Gail's organising of the christmas dinner is second to none, She sits there with her little roter (Gail does everything by roter) which says what everyone is having and who ordered what, seeing as we have to book about 6 months in advance to get the whole family into the same place om the day and we have to pay upfront because basically if we didnt turn up they might aswell close on christmas day coz our family basically packs the whole pub out and we have the place to ourselves lol. This year our main source of entertainment was darts, Now I am shite at darts but its amazing how competitve you get over something so stupid, especially Robert and Michael they will argue black is white if it means the other giving in and claiming a small victory, so our afternoon was taken up by darts and pool and slowly the family is on the way to being pissed. After lunch everyone was having a laugh the atmosphere was great and by the time the pub was ready to kick us out and close we where all pleasantly pissed except of course the designated drivers like me. You would think playing darts sober against someone who is drinking would help improve your chances but no I am scientific proof this is not the case, but I do think i won 2 games so cant complain really.

After christmas dinner it was back to Julies house where the Nintendo Wii takes center stage, Know if you havent played on one of these then you are missing out on something, it is great fun and is a excellent source of entertainment when everyone is drinking and having a laugh, theres just something about watching wendy playing tennis and actually throwing her hand up in the air as if to serve the ball when the remote is in her other hand that is fucking hilarious. As the night went on everyone is starting to get really drunk (DONT PANIC I CAUGHT UP ASWELL!) It was time to put on Boogie, now if you have no idea what i am talking about when i say boogie, its a game for the wii that is exactly like a karaoke, and so it began, only person i feel sorry for is the neighbours because some of the singing was absolutly horrendous, I have a video of Wendy, Julie and Gail singing girls just want to have fun and all I can say is you would have to watch it to believe and they think they can sing, YOU CANT!!!, not even to save your life, it helps if you can sing in tune and it also helps if you are not so drunk you cant read the words on the screen, Personally i know i cant sing but when i was singing Y.M.C.A i was that good i got asked for my autograph twice, what can I say when your this good, how come noone wants to be the first person to sing, but after that its a fight for the mic lol...... Only problem is the room for everyone to sing and dance, well to make room peter has the idea of moving the christmas tree, but of course we cant be wasting valuable time taking the daft thing apart, why not lift the whole thing and put it in the passage? Well decorations, tinsel, branches, you name it and it went flying once in the passage, why stop there and up the stairs it went, pictures off the wall and everything and straight into the bathtub it goes. How Julie didnt realise her tree was missing but everyone got a text the next day asking why her christmas tree was in the bath and also who was gonna come and clean up all the mess....noone replied, we aint as fucking as stupid as we look you know The place looked like a bomb had hit it, I stayed in bed it was safer and if I proped my legs against the wall the room stopped spinning just enough to try and get some sleep.

In between Christmas and new year, I was off this year which is a first for me as I've never had a job where we got this time off, So not knowing what to do with my spare time we ended up drinking, know despite what some of you might say and think I am far from an alcoholic, yes I enjoy a drink and laugh but im not dependant on it, it makes me laugh when I hear people thinking I drink to much, Between the younger generation of the family we probably do drink to much but that is very different from alcohol dependant, i just thought I'd point this out and clairfy it for the thick cunts before i tell the next part of the story as it involves the 'Vodka' drinking game I got for christmas. Know I hadnt even opened this box before we decided to play it one night around Leannes, all I knew was you needed some kind of alcohol you can shot so coming back from the shop with our 'normal' drinks load we all chipped in on some peach schnapps to play the game with. Well we started off drinking normally early on as we usually do so we where all pretty well gone before we got the game out, but I can honestly say I've never known a game like it, near enough every single fucking square on the board was making you take a shot not to mention when we landed on certain squares all players had to take a shot while toasting a certain country...what next door must of thought hearing us shouting "TO RUSSIA"...take a drink..."TO THE FRENCH"...take a drink...and so on. There where also challenges we each had to do all drink related. I think what will give the general idea of just how bad this game was is if I list what was drank between 3 people in about 50 minutes, these were...

I think I have a picture somewhere before we loaded up the green bin

- 2 bottles of peach schnapps
- 3 bottles of raspberry archers
- 4 bottles of blue WKD
- 1 bottle of After shock
- 2 Bottles of Red WKD
- 2 bottles of smirnoff Ice
- 1 bottle of newcastle brown Ale
- 1 bottle of Vodka
- 4 litres of cider
- 4 Cans of Carling
- 2 bottles of wine
- 2 Litres of RedBull
- 1 bottle of Iron Bru

If I said we where sober I would be barefaced lying, we where absolutly smashed, rolling around the floor laughingk it was great, the next morning Robert threw the game out the window saying he never wanted to see or play that game again and juding by how rough we all where I can see why, if I never play that game ever again it will be to soon lol, great christmas present though

So it was roll on 2008, New year was very much like christmas day, Pile in one house, get pissed see in the new year , keep on drinking to around 8am, this year it only lasted to 6am but it was still a good laugh and as i already said it was a bit touch and go as we have come to expect trouble at these family gatherings, not so much between family, but because our family is that large and well known, certain people always come looking for us on new year, they know we will all be in one family members house and so they come looking for us after midnight however this year it was different, because we where at Julies, noone turned up it was pretty much family only and it was a right laugh, Nintendo Wii taking the center stage again with everyone testing there fitness and then onto the karaoke, Alcohol making boths cases chronic, whoever told Wendy, Gail and Julie they could sing, needs a fucking slap, I think the video speaks for itself. Overall I would say its one of the best new years this family has seen for a long time, lets see if it holds out for the whole year eh, I somehow doubt it